50 ways to annoy King Uther Pendragon
by Princessa Guinevere
Summary: Like Father, like son. Time to put Uther to the bashing block! WARNINGS- Slash Uther/Gaius, Uther/Lady Catrina, Arthur/Merlin, implied Uther/Morgana. Anything I missed?


Redecorate his crown with tacky glitter jewel, all of which MUST be pink.

When he talks to a Lady of the court, wolf whistle loudly. When he asks who it was, point at Merlin and watch the fun unfold.

Tell him his son wants a pony.

Ask him if he's seen any good looking trolls lately. Then run. Very fast.

Get 'Lady Catrina' to tell him she's pregnant. Watch Uther's face and take a picture for the internet.

Get Morgana to ask him what a period is.

Get Arthur to ask him what wet dreams are.

Tell him Morgause sent the knights of Medhir to rape him.

Tell him that Mordred is his love child with Morgana.

Tell him that Arthur wants to marry Merlin. When he goes to have an argument with him, say 'Well, it's not like you did any better! You married a troll!'

When he calls Arthur a fat pig, comment loudly to the person next to you 'He can talk, every time I see him, he's eating.'

Tell him that Arthur has requested Father's day to be put on hold. Permanently.

Get Morgana to announce that she knows about Uther peeping in on her changing.

Tell him that strawberries are not a good way to flirt with mythical creatures.

Ask him to sing 'Sweet Transvestite'. Make sure Arthur is in earshot.

Buy him a pink stereo, with the Barbie and the nutcracker soundtrack. Play it repeatedly and don't tell him how to turn it off.

If he tries to arrest you for the instructions, say 'But I thought you liked Barbie...' and go to cry.

Address him as 'The King' or 'My lord' after EVERY sentence.

Tell him that Arthur was enchanted by two women. 'Sound like anyone familiar?'

After a really inopportune moment, sing 'dum dum duuuuuuum!'

Start an 'I hate Arthur Pendragon' Club. Trick Uther into joining. Show evidence to Arthur and hand him a sword. Let him do the rest.

When Arthur tells him about learning a valuable lesson, comment 'And he didn't learn it from you!'

Constantly poke him.

Ask him if he banished magic because he wanted a 'dirty little secret' with Gaius.

Tell him he's too sexy for his cape.

Tell him Gaius has a massive picture of him in his chambers. Refuse to elaborate.

Don't compare him to Hitler.

Get Merlin to run around after Arthur, making sure Uther is watching. Comment to him 'Your son seems to like the whole Servant and Master theme...' Raise eyebrow accordingly. 'You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?'

Greet him by announcing every syllable in his name.

Buy him a special one-piece of lingerie and tell him it's for 'Emergencies'. Smile innocently.

Show Gaius the one-piece first and ask his approval.

If he asks why, say 'Well, Uther was looking for a saucy one-piece for Morgana...' Tape Gaius' reaction.

Get Arthur to tell him to stop inviting those people who want to kill him. It's bad for his health.

Say 'Uther, is it true that Gaius actually gave birth to Arthur?'

When he says that's impossible, remind him 'Gaius used sorcery in the past...He just wanted to stay connected to you I suppose...' Smile evilly.

Ask Morgana about her past. When she talks of Uther, say 'Now there's the source of your nightmares!' Make sure Uther is in earshot.

Plant a Pink tutu in his wardrobe. Make sure Arthur finds it. Watch him try and defend himself.

To give effect to 37, bribe Gaius to play along to a point, convincing Arthur that the tutu is in fact his father's.

Get Gaius to walk into Uther's chambers in a small one piece.

For added effect, make sure he has some kinky props, like a whip.

Do a Freudian Psychoanalysis.

Diagnose him with the Electra complex.

When he accuses you of sorcery, shout 'sorcerer' and point out the window.

Once he reaches the window, push him out of it.

When he gets to the physician's quarters, tell him he'll have to have an overnight stay there. When he goes to object, say loudly, with everyone in earshot 'Don't deny it, Uther, we all know about your relationship...'

Get Arthur to sing 'Can't wait to be king' in his presence.

Pull out a list of faults you find in Camelot and read them aloud to him.

Sell 'Uther is an idiot' badges.

If 48 proves to be popular, set up a whole stall of stuff.

Get 'Uther Pendragon: The real him! He married a mythical creature!' Posters and stick them up in the throne room. Make sure you're at least in Ealdor when he discovers who did it.


End file.
